Trump Administration Surreal Scorecard, Week Ending July 28

Autocracy rating: Five bananas

Chaos range: A deck of marked cards run through a paper shredder, tossed with salad and eaten by jackals.

Obscenity level: Two puppets rage-fucking in front of an audience of children

Winners: Spit-roasted smiles. Sunglasses that turn the world black.

Losers: Reince Priebus. 

General sense: Drowning in a ketchup-and-spaghetti whirlpool, acid poured in your ears. Your best friends scream "Pickle! Pickle! Pickle!" silently, trapped between the lines of TV guide listing. A single hand reaches out to soothe you but you don’t know how long you can hang on.